Worst Albums of the year 2011

This kind of falls into a couple of distinctly different categories -those albums which are not terrible but a bit dull, those which are disappointing because they've been made by bands who are usually ok and those which are frankly, poo.

In the "not terrible but a bit dull" section first up, it's the Subways.
Their album "Money and Celebrity" can best be summed up as a party album for people who like rock. It's not all bad -indeed, the first single from the album " We don't need money to have a good time" is quite good, but everything else on the album sounds the same to the point where they all meld into one whiny singalong mess. Not good.
In the next category are Kasabian, which I have to say came as a bit of a surprise.
To my mind at least, Kasabian had been steadily improving, each album showing some progression -but "Velociraptor!" is a massive leap backwards. It also features some of the worst lyrics I've ever heard. The album comes across as an incoherent mess. Must do better lads.

Ok, now we're into the "Poo" section.
Normally, in any other year I could think of, Gold Cobra would have run away with the worst album of the year award, for reasons I -and quite a lot of the rest of the web- have discussed before (hint ; He stands at the front and wears a cap).
Sorry Fred, this year you've been blown away in the crap stakes.

Enter Metallica and Lou Reed with "Lulu".
A double album, no less.

I'm not a Metallica fan, but I can't imagine many of their fanbase will be happy with this. Kirk Hammett's signature guitar solos are largely missing, and bassist Rob Trujillo seems to have been on holiday at the time of recording, so the whole thing is driven along by James Hetfield's chugging rythmn guitar. Terrific. Never mind though, here comes Super Lars and his pet Snare Drum to save the day!
Um, no. Lars' answer to the assault on your ears is to hit everything very hard. All the time. Thanks.
Lou mumbles and stumbles his way through the lyrics at one point shouting "JACK" for what seems like forever. He also pretends to be a girl in one song. No, I'm not making it up.
In what appears to be a desperate attempt to distract the listener, James Hetfield tries to convince us that he's a table. Yes, you read that correctly. Listen

Sadly, and remarkably, these are the better efforts on an album that's best quickly forgotten.

Lou Reed and Metallica yesterday, being poo.

RIP,Legends.

Hello all, I'm back. I'm refreshed, recuperated , re-energised and several other things that begin with "R" as well. And, as a copy of El Camino is in my possession, I'll be doing my top ten albums of the year in  a couple of days -shortly after my worst albums of the year, there's some crackers in that one- and this post which is neccessarily sombre in tone.

In the space of little more than a week, 3 of my favourite sportsmen ever have died.

Last weekend former Everton captain Gary Speed took his own life, seemingly with everything to live for. He was 42. Gary was a husband, father, gentlemen and an Evertonian. That's as fitting an epitaph as you can have.

A couple of days after Gary, Rugby League great Arthur Beetson passed away from a heart attack, aged 66.
In a sport filled with remarkable athletes and tough men, Artie was the most remarkable, the toughest, and -in his position- the best.
Just to let you know how good he was, he played for Queensland and I still loved him-that's something no-one else has managed since.

And this weekend, brazilian football legend Socrates has died.  He was a chain smoker, a qualified doctor and , in a time where the word is overused to describe people , he was truly unique. He was a big man -maybe 6'4- yet he danced and skipped around the pitch with more grace than any footballer I've seen before or after, he had a mass of curly hair, often enhanced with a bandana and a raggedy beard. He was also one of the shining lights of the best national team I've ever seen.

Short thoughts.

The London Olympics -even though they are still some 8 and a bit months away- are managing to piss me off.
To be fair, the olympics always piss me off -what seems like 24 hour coverage of skinny men running in circles for hours at a time, not really my thing- but it's never been this bad before.
Every time an ad arrives on the TV whatever the product is, it's suddenly become the official 2012 Olympic version of it's former self.
So far this morning I've spotted the Panasonic Smart Viera tv - the official tv of the olympic games, Cadburys Dairy Milk - the official tooth rotter of London 2012 and a couple of others as well.
I understand the need for corporate sponsorship, but does everything have to have a commercial tie-in? Really?
Tampax, the official feminine hygiene product of the 2012 Olympic Games.

Scott Weiland, erstwhile singer, professional substance abuser and frontman for the Stone Temple Pilots -who were alright- and Velvet revolver -who were shit- has a new album out. Nothing remarkable about that you might think, and, in a sense, you're right. But Scott has released a Christmas album full of yuletide favourites like White Christmas and such. Are things really that bad Scott?
Is this a desperate attempt to cash in on a seasonal event or a new career direction as a lounge singer? Take a guess.

It's generally around this time of year I do my top 10 albums of the year, but I'm going to hold it off until the new Black Keys album lands through my letterbox. It's due out on December 6th but hopefully I'll get it a bit before that.
If you've no idea who I'm talking about, have a listen to this -it's a great video too.

Giant vicious beast spotted in local forest.

Here it is, captured on film by my wife at the weekend.

Click the pic to see the horror in full size.

Short thoughts.

It's been a while since I did one of these so I thought I would treat you all to a recap of some of the stranger stories that I've come across on my travels around the interwebs.

Is your dog going bald? It is? Well, help is at hand.

Ruth Regina of Miami has started http://www.wigglesdogwigs.com/ and it's...it's......different.
So if you're German Shepherd is going a little thin on top or you just want to see your Pitbull with dreadlocks -and lets face it, who doesn't?- Ruth can help. On a side note, Chi has just bitten me. Coincidence? Unlikely.

Could be worse. Maybe.

A British marathon runner has admitted to getting on a bus part way round his course-but only after he was challenged by event organisers. Around the 20 mile mark Rob Sloan decided he was "A bit tired" and boarded the vehicle only to hop off a few miles later and hide in a wooded area of the course. Sadly for Rob, a number of onlookers spotted him as he rejoined the race in 3rd place. I suspect this is part of a plan for next years London Olympics, so if Usain Bolt is suddenly abducted by aliens remember I told you about this conspiracy first.

"26 miles? That's a really long way"

In Edinburgh the emergency services had to be called to a curry eating contest after competitors started "writhing on the floor, vomiting and farting", sorry,  "fainting". Whilst writhing on the floor vomiting and fainting -or farting, for that matter- are common scenes played out in pretty much all of Scotland's hostelrys, this time they called an ambulance.

The restaurant owner has said he'll tone down the spicyness in future.

"Forget the ambulance call the Gas Board"

Stirling and its Uni

As I mentioned a while back, my youngest daughter has just started university down in sunny Stirling- home of Braveheart himself, William Wallace- and as I've finally summoned up the inclination to get the photos onto the PC I thought I'd share them with you guys.
And yes, everything in Stirling is named after Mr. Wallace, no matter how tenuous the link.

This prison style structure is one of the halls of residence

The NSA, which is on campus

A campus complete with a rather nice lake

This is Gabi's actual hall, she's about halfway along on the top floor.

 

This is the Wallace monument, and yes, it looks a bit like a cock.

 

"A Swan Dive into the Asphalt"

I know what you're thinking, "That's a strange title for a blog post" - and yes, it is, but allow me to explain. It's a line from the song "Swan Dive" by Hed (PE) and it seems relevant to the -somewhat strange- ending of this post. Bear with me, it'll get better. A bit. Maybe.

Anyway, on the Sunday just gone, my wife, my daughter Gabi and myself had decided to head all the way down to sunny Stirling to check out what is shortly to be her hometown for the next four years or so whilst she's at University (college to you guys across the Atlantic), so we packed up the car and dropped the dog off at my other daughters' on the way. More about the dog later.
So, after what seemed about 58 hours we arrived in Stirling and it's actually really nice. It's the usual mix of traditional stone built houses and modern glass and steel edifices, but with thankfully not too much of the modern that it dominates. All in all, it's a thoroughly pleasant little city. Mid afternoon arrived and we decided to head home and collect Chi from my daughters'. so far, so good. My plan was to stay in the car whilst my wife went up to get Chi, but apparently, both Chi and her mum were so desperate to see me -hey, I'm very popular with Staffys- that they both bolted out of the door. Still, no problem, everything is fine. Chi's mum isn't on the lead, but she's used to that and sprints up to me and gently savages my arm -as she always does- and I'm nearly kissed to death -however, at this point in suddenly aware that my daughter is struggling to hold on to Chi -she's incredibly powerful- and then, all of a sudden, she's loose.
She sprints straight past me. I don't have a hope of catching her. This is one of those times when time seems to stand still - she takes a sudden right turn onto the road, a car swerves and misses her- out of my peripheral vision I can see a large white van  and imagine the meeting of van and dog - and before I have a chance to think I've dived onto the road -goalkeeper style- and caught the dog in my left hand. What a relief.
It was at this point I remembered the van. It missed my head by about a foot. If I was any shorter, I wouldn't have caught the dog, much taller and I probably wouldn't be writing this.
My wife wasn't overly happy -I may be understating things here- and began telling me about the thousands of people who die each year attempting to save their pets from peril. I understand her, of course I do, but I could no more of let Chi get hit by a van than I could her, my children or Hope.
Anyway, both myself and the dog are in severe trouble but never mind, we're both still about.

Chi, in big trouble, yesterday. And today.

State of Origin

Yes, I know its several days after the fact but I don't care.

We lost. They won. The same as it's been for 6 long -really long- years now.
There is however more reason for optimism next year than there has been for quite a while. Firstly, on the back of what may have been the worst SOO performance ever -although Justin Hodges' debut runs it close- Anthony Minichiello won't be there. I'm not sure what Ricky Stuart was thinking including him in the first place, does he really not rate Hayne that much as a fullback? Even if he doesn't, wouldn't Brett Stewart have been the better option?
Yes, yes he would.
There are a few other blues whose spots will be under severe pressure too - Mark Gasnier, Ben Creagh and Mitchell "I've got a tattoo of my own name on my arm" Pearce. In fact, if I was the coach, the only people guaranteed their spot in the 17 would be Gallen, Lewis, Hayne, Uate, Soward and Scott.
Next year NSW will be stronger, Queensland will be weaker. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

Meh

The what?

Just a short post, the SOO one isn't ready yet, sorry.

This made me snigger quite a lot.

"'ello, ello, ello, is that mayonnaise sir? I'm afraid you're going to have to come with me"

Wimbledon

In case you somehow haven't noticed, here in the UK we're about halfway through the annual snoozefest from London.
And, as every year, the few people who follow tennis will run around excitedly telling everyone in earshot that this year Andy Murray -he's bottled charisma that boy- will win. Hang on, didn't you say that last year? And the year before?
He'll lose as soon as he faces someone good and Nadal will probably win the whole thing. There's a few sports I really hate -Rugby union, a sport played exclusively by homosexuals and the Welsh, during which you kick the ball backwards and forwards until someone lumps it over the sideline, and Synchronised swimming, which appears to be a kind of ballet. In a swimming pool. Without the story. Brilliant. Take something that isn't wonderful in the first place and make it much worse- but tennis is the one I hate the most.
This may be a case of rose tinted spectacles, but wasn't it almost bearable to watch once? You know, back in the late 70's/early 80's in the McEnroe/Borg/Connors and Navratilova/Evert era.
Nowadays, tennis -Wimbledon at least- has been reduced to a series of Stepford wives style grunty Eastern European women and men so dull if they were salesmen they'd have titles akin to Head of Photocopiers, Toners and Inks (East Midlands).

Does anyone else feel the same way?

Captain Charisma, yesterday

The top 10 unintentionally funny company URLs

The top 10 unintentionally funny company URLs

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at

www.gotahoe.com
 

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their wacky website:

www.speedofart.com 

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is

www.cummingfirst.com

 
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always

www.ipanywhere.com
 

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
Wales

www.molestationnursery.com 

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…

www.powergenitalia.com 

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at

www.therapistfinder.com 

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at

www.penisland.net
 

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at

www.expertsexchange.com 

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is

www.whorepresents.com

Anyone know any more?

50 things about me.

 Questions courtesy of http://www.day-and-age-design.com/

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

Yeah, I was named after a friend of my father

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Not sure, but the end of the movie “Babe” makes me blub like a little girl.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

Yes, and so do most other people that see it.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

Ham. Real ham, not those wet pink squres of disgustingness

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

I have three, all girls

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

Not sure, maybe

7. DO YOU HAVE SIBLINGS?

One brother, 4 years older than me

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

No, they left the building long ago

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

I have.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

Some sort of muesli - Alpen maybe.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

I don't tie them when they're on, so no.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

Physically or mentally? One very much so, the other is a bit vulnerable occasionally. You can decide which is which

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

Vanilla. Or Pistachio if everyone else has said vanilla

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

I try and read peoples body language, so, pretty much everything

15. RED OR PINK?
.
Ugh, not red, so pink it is, unless you mean the singer - in which case neither.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? 

My little squashed nose

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

No-one really

18. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?

Virgo

19. DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE PAIR OF SHOES?

No, I'm a man

20. FAVORITE MEAL?

Home meal - veggie lasagne. Restaurant meal - Tournedos rossini

21. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?

I like most stuff that I consider "good", but if forced to choose I'd go for Trip-Hop

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

Royal blue, obviously

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?

Fresh baked bread, coffee, babies.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?

My wife

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
.
Depends where it is

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

Rugby league, boxing

27. HAIR COLOR?

Black

28. EYE COLOR?

Yellow, like a cat.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

No.

30. FAVORITE HEIRLOOM?

None, I'm not sentimental

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

As long as the film is good, I'm happy either way.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

A new version of Moby Dick, it was unspeakably terrible

33. FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?

Denim Jacket

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Again, it depends where we are, but here-summer, by far.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?

kisses

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?

Lemon tart or Tiramisu

37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?

Both

38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?

Computer, and by a long way too

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

I'm not

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

Clouds

42. FAVORITE SOUND?

The Deftones

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?

Neither really, but the Stones if forced to make a choice.

44. WHAT IS YOUR DREAM CAR ?

1928 Mercedes SSK

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

I have several

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

Australia

47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?

 Northern Scotland

48. WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?

I don't really have any fears. I've never been sure if that's a good thing or not

49. WHAT BRINGS YOU THE MOST JOY?

Music, my kids.

50. WHAT PIECE OF ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO YOUR YOUNG SELF?

"Don't be such a cock all the time"

Short thoughts

Nathan Van Someren, a not particularly well known participant in Australia's 2nd best team sport -AFL- was sent off on saturday. Why am I telling you this? Surely being sent of in the rufty-tufty world of Aussie Rules can't be that rare? Well, no. No it isn't.  But this guy was sent off for having a dangerous haircut. I'm not even making it up. hahahaha

Here's the offending do in all it's dangerousness.

Nathan yesterday, being dangerous.

A man from Brighton has been fined £80 by some particularly joyless bastard from the local council for allowing his terrier to skateboard around the streets of the town -again, I'm not making this up- He was fined for the dog being "Out of control". What, couldn't it land a kickflip properly? Too much rotation on a 360? No, apparently his Lakeland Terrier was a "Risk" because 2 women tripped over his skateboard. Sorry, but if you can't get out of the way of a dog on a skateboard, you should be worrying about other shit before reporting the canine and it's owner to the council.

Not the dog in question, yesterday.

The last week saw the death of Severiano Ballesteros, who I'm shocked to learn, was widely considered "The Greatest" amongst his peers. I'm no golf fan, but this guy's death struck a chord with me for a couple of reasons. Firstly, we're the same age -and this has made me think about my own mortality really for the first time- and secondly, the man simply transcended his sport. Even people who have no interest in golf -like me- knew who he was and had nothing bad to say about him -and I have plenty of bad things to say about almost everyone.

Most sports have a star who becomes bigger than the game -Babe Ruth, Michael Jordan, Don Bradman- in golf it was Seve.

Wedding? You should have publicised it more.

Apparently, there's some sort of Royal wedding malarkey -don't you just love that word?- taking place quite soon. Strangely, it's hardly been mentioned on the news, in the papers on the web, anywhere at all really. Because of the remarkably low profile being taken by the UK -and I'm sure every other country in the entire world- I thought that you might have been missing out on some of the frankly wonderful collectibles and assorted shit,  sorry, memorabilia that is available to the discerning simpleton consumer.

How about a nice commemorative mug? With the wrong Prince on it.

A tasteful crockery set, with what appears to be a mini FA Cup in it?

Anyone feeling hungry? Have a Royal Wedding Pizza

 Or perhaps best of all, and possibly the most fitting piece of tat I've found -I give you Royal Wedding Tea Bags. Brilliant.

But despite all this........erm........stuff, most peoples attitudes to the wedding and indeed the Royal family in general are best summed up by this plate. Oh well, no knighthood for me.

Triple H(ope).

We had her here at the weekend, so I'm going to make you look at photos of her.

Shoes

I have a complaint. Actually, I have several -some of which are quite nasty, but you don't want to know about that- this complaint is about shoes.
This post was brought about by complete and total envy of the amount of different styles and types available to women compared to men. We have two styles, trainers or shoes -in brown, black or white. Wow, you guys have a million different styles in every shade imaginable, and I want to know why there's such great disparity in the ranges. Do the manufacturers think men don't care? Maybe most of us don't, but I do -I want better shoes, now!

My daughter bought these recently, you wouldn't believe how jealous I am.

Televisions. And doggy birthdays.

The time has come to say goodbye to a long serving and faithful friend. Yes, dear readers the Rascal family's main tv -a near 10 year old Samsung Plano- has just about come to the end of it's useful lifespan, as it's developed an almost constant high pitched squeal and a strange line sometimes occurs across the top third of the screen. I know what you're thinking -"why is he telling us this?" I'm telling this to you to see if anyone else has the same thoughts as me about modern Tv's. I have no problem replacing the Samsung -it's been great for a long while- but when we bought it, it was huge.  Now, it appears, it's tiny.
We were round at our daughters a few days ago, and in their living room they have a TV that must be nearly 5 feet across -it's ridiculous. Their room isn't the biggest and this thing completely dominates it. Like a shire horse in a bedsit. Not for me.
And, at the risk of sounding old, have you tried looking at Tv's to buy recently? I have.
"Ah, you want a 60 inch lcd with hd 3d wifi backlit plasma"
"Do I?"
I didn't. I just want to watch the rugby without it screeching. A Sony Bravia it is then, the same size as the one we have now.

Do not want

Also, it's the Devil Dogs' birthday. She's 1.

Short thoughts

You know when you're in the cinema and someone near you is noisily munching their way through what seems to be a titanic sized vat of popcorn? It annoys the crap out of me frankly, but I doubt I'd shoot someone for being a bit loud during a film. What am I talking about? Well, that's exactly what happened during a screening of Black Swan in the Latvian capital Riga, last week. Riga police confirmed that a 27 year old man had shot a 42 year old man at the city's Cineplex, and that the argument began over how loudly he was eating his popcorn. The moral of this story? Don't annoy Latvians.

A Latvian, yesterday. Scary.

Here's a question. Do you take a sword to work with you? No? How about a bazooka? I thought not. I mean, there are some jobs where you might take a weapon to work - Ninja, Yakuza, train robber, Game Keeper - but not that many, and certainly not footballer. So why then, I've been wondering , did Ashley Cole take an air rifle to Chelsea's training ground with him and then promptly shoot a work experience kid with it, albeit accidently. Because he's a fucking moron, that's why. Case closed.

Finally and sadly, Jane Russell has died aged 89. Most famous for starring in westerns and with Marilyn Monroe in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, she was one of the most beautiful of the Hollywood leading ladies in the post war era.

Cage the Elephant - Thank you, Happy birthday

This album is a fraud. No, really, it is. I mean, it's good -really good- but it sounds like Cage the Elephant have raided my CD collection and got stuck in the section where the Pixies, Nirvana and a little bit of the Melvins are kept, because if you threw those 3 bands into a pot and boiled them (bear with me, this slightly clunky analogy will finish soon) you'd end up with CtE.
60% Pixies, 35% Nirvana, just a dash of Melvins, perfect.

Anyway, on to the album itself. It's good -better than their much ballyhoo'd debut cut- and tracks like "Aberdeen" and "Shake me Down" are impossibly catchy, whilst "Japanese Buffalo" might be the best track I've heard this year (that isn't written by PJ Harvey). However "Indy Kids seems too contrived with it's musings about "being just like you" and doesn't sit well with the rest of the album, but the hits here far outweight the misses, and this would be a good addition to any collection.

If you're going to rip someone off, make sure it's someone good.

Meat America

No, that isn't a typo - it's the title of a set of images by photographer Dominic Espiscopo.
They won't be to everyones' tastes but I like them, particularly the shot of Louisiana with a slick of olive oil beneath it, very funny. Anyway, have a look.

More here and here