On the off chance that he's reading this, I'd like to show you all (and you Wazza) how I see his future life and career panning out.
2011 - My dog bites Wayne. I’m awarded compensation, Chi undergoes therapy
2012 - Transfers to the newly wealthy Leyton Orient "Working with manager, Haitian President and Deputy Pope Wyclef Jean was too much to ignore" tweets divorcee Rooney.
2013 - Photographed in swimming pool full of Tia Maria by News of the World
2014 - Finds God, transfers to Celtic, Rangers win title. England are beaten by the EU in World Cup quarters.
2015 - Finds different God, transfers to Rangers. Celtic win title. Offends 99.3% of world population with fashionable but obscene forehead tattoo of Picasso's Guernica.
2016 - retires to run gentleman's estalishment in Wycombe. Colleen Rooney-Ferguson appointed first female manager of Manchester United.
2017 - Manchester United go into receivership. Old Trafford burns to the ground following a freak scrambled egg accident.
And to think some people think I'm bitter.
"The horror, the horror"