The World Cup

I told you I'd be doing more about this, today I'm going to tell you why England won't win.

1. Goalkeepers. The other major contenders -aside from Argentina (more about them in another episode)  all have a top quality goalkeeper. Buffon, Casillas, Julio Cesar, England have David "Calamity" James. While he's not as shite erratic as he used to be, he's not in the same class as those previously mentioned. As for backups, well, there's Rob Green who looks like a farmer, and Paul Robinson, who can't catch.

2. Defenders. 2 or 3 years ago, john Terry and Rio Ferdinand were pretty much on a par with any centre half partnership in the world, maybe except Chiellini and Cannavaro. Today, Rio has hardly played and looked leaden footed when he has, a shadow of his former self. I've never been Terry's biggest fan, but this season his form at times has been awful-I'm guessing Capello must be having doubts too-at least privately. The fullback positions are a worry too, Gary Neville got old and looks unlikely to make the squad, his replacement, Glenn "I cut off your" Johnson is good going forwards, but is a shocking defender. On the other side, Ashley Cole-one of only a couple of genuine world class players in the squad is injured and going through a split with that annoying bint of a wife of his-he's not due back much before the end of the domestic season, and who knows how he'll be, mentally as much as physically in South Africa?

3. Midfield. On paper at least, Englands strongest area. Have Lampard and Gerrard ever really cut it at international level-I don't think so, but they're guaranteed starters. Who plays on the wings? No idea, the best I can come up with are Joe Cole and Aaron Lennon, one of whom can't get a start for Chelsea, the other is injured. Big problems I think.

4. Strikers. Emile Heskey.